I now hate my life.

I just got done watching a lecture by Maria Popova who is the creator and curator on Brain Pickings, which I believe is one of the best website on the internet.  If you are a creative you need to be reading her website.  No ifs, and or buts about it.  Anyways, I just got done watching this amazing lecture she gave on life and creativity and it occurred to me that I hate my life.  I am a not doing it right. I am really an unhappy person. I see that there is so much I need to cut out of it and so much to replace it with.

For one thing, I need to get out of my house and start living. I’ll talm about that more later. Another is show up and work. Stop letting bullshit and people get in my way.  I let too much and too many people distract me.  I have no structure.  I stay in my house all the time and rarely go out.  I really need to start showing up and put structure my life.  I need start investing in the friends I have and make new ones, and applying the things that my therapist has suggested.

You know my favorite quote is by the  American painter Chuck Close who said “Inspiration is for amateurs, the rest of us show up and get to work.  I have this quote on my business card, yet, I don’t do that.  For Christ  sake, I have 5 unfinished paintings one of which I got money for months ago. I have a film that has been in “Development” for over a year, and a series that needs to be researched and written.

I really can’t keep this up. It all needs to change, change now.

 

 

 

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Being the best.

So it occurred to me today that I have taken a very, just let it happen, zen approach to everything.  And surprise surprise it really hasn’t worked. I seem to be spinning my wheels and getting no where. So I came to the conclusion that if I want to succeed I need to have the goal of being the best. The best filmmaker, artist, community leader and person that I possibly and be. Starting here in Tampa; I am going to first concur the bay area.  I also have been letting life passing me by for various reasons which I will share latter. I want a full and rich life. That is going to require a lot of changing on my part.

I know what is required to succeed. I think most people know. But it is always a matter of doing it. Most people, I think the lack action and work required to be successful, or at least for me it has been. And I can’t do that anymore. I have to many great opportunities in front of me, and I have the talent, intellect and creativity to succeed and become the person I want to be. It is only a matter of how much work am I willing to put into it.

Personal hells

The past 3 1/2 weeks have been emotionally tough. A lot has gone on and a lot of pain to go with it.  I am trying to keep my head and heart up. Stiff upper lip and all that bullshit.  One minute I will see the good and wonderful in my life and the next wanting to swallow a shotgun. Remember the bullet never lies.  I will get through this. That I am sure. After surviving this past year I am pretty sure I will; however you never know, I might just say fuck it and go check out what is on the other side. And before you all start this more to life bullshit, just stop, I don’t want to hear it nor do I care. Save it for someone who wants to hear it, because I sure as fuck don’t

So things to come.  I am really throwing myself into a series that I am developing. My goal is to get it picked up by a network and if that fails, which it most likely will, I will turn it into a web series. I love the long form story. I have a lot of research to do. and many books to read along with numerous articles to cover. On top of that take a  crash course into screenwriting.  I will get the hang of it, that I have no doubt. Plus, I have good people around me who can give me good notes and advice.

Now if I don’t swallow a shotgun, here is what else is on my plate: I am going to starting writing on a regular basis. This is something I should have been doing years ago, but didn’t, thus wasting my talents. I also am getting back into making art. It has been over a decade since I did any actual work, and there is a lot that  is in my head and it is time to start making it.

I am also getting into shape which in itself might kill me before I have the chance.  I really need to get into shape.  Along with comes meditation. It is something I have to do but am terrified of doing. I am afraid pain will come p0uring out of me. I think I am afraid to feel certain things. Certain degrees of pain.

I also just need to become the person I want and need to become. I have so far to go if I am to get there. I do not know who if anyone will be with me on that journey if I take it.  I just know I need to take it and that is the hardest part.

 

till next time.

 

 

This years goals and objectives.

 

1.  Clear my name and restore reputation.

2.  Be a father to my son. I have been MIA and that is unacceptable.

3. Get back into combat shape. Yes, there is a huge difference between that and  just being “in shape”.

4. Research, develop and begin writing the series.

5. Create and nurture friendships and stop being so incredible isolated.

6. Finally Quit Smoking. Which plays into getting back into combat shape.

7. Watch 300 feature films, catch up with various tv series I am back logged, watch 200+ shorts, read 40 books, and catch up on my Bomb Magazines.

8. Get my house and yard tip top.

9. Direct music videos

10. Write Business Plan for production company.

11. See more bands.

12. Write.    A lot.

13. Meditate and be more spiritual

14. Help more people and be a leader in the community.

15. Get back to creating art and photography.

Here are things I will do this year.